Spoiler alert! To be fair, people posting reviews in the App Store love My Pet Zombie. My feeling is they may have posted too quickly or have nothing else to do, because my pet zombie was whiny and demanding and now he’s dead. And I don’t miss him.
Halloween returns this weekend and I wanted to review some of this year’s crop of Halloween apps.
But the crop was crap. With the exception of Fishdom Spooky Splash, which had nothing to do with Halloween but the decorations (and which I reviewed Friday), they were all one trick ponies, like Zombie Piano; or cheap and cheesy Halloween card makers; or Halloween Costumes Fashion Fun, which claims to give you ideas for costumes, but really just want to get you to spend money for expensive costumes online; or for cheap knockoff versions of much better apps like Talking Santa. I’ve reviewed worse, but it’s Halloween and something should be fun. So I decided to declare Halloween week Zombie week. And the first fun zombie app I want to review is, well, crap.
I didn’t intend to review a crap app. And I didn’t intend to trash it. Even when I realized My Pet Zombie wasn’t for me, I thought there must be something good I could write about it. Then my pet zombie died.
Readers should be aware that this review is a dissenting opinion because the ratings on the app store are overwhelmingly positive. Even one of the lowly one star ratings calls it “bitchin great.” I can only assume that the same inability to spell comes from the same inattention that must have led the reviewer to think one star is the best rating.
But he got the bitching part right because I’m going to be bitching that I never loved My Pet Zombie; I never even warmed up. Even slightly.
My Pet Zombie is a zombie players can customize and feed. They can choose a girl or a boy, name it (mine was named Ruprecht) and pimp it out. They can make the zombie dance and even play mini-games to earn coins to feed it.
Players can buy all sorts of toys and bling for their pet zombies. Providing they have enough left over after feeding it. Which I never did.
The term “mini-games” may be a bit of a misnomer, because I didn’t even consider them games so much as stuff to do to earn money to feed the damn zombie. I mean Ruprecht. Ruprecht, it seems, was always hungry for brains. If I played, he was hungry, if I didn’t play he was hungry. And I never earned enough to keep him satisfied.
Which is kind of the point, isn’t it? These are zombies, not pets. Their job is to suck out your life and livelihood, which they do by demanding more and more brains. And the only way to feed them, it turns out, is to buy more bones and brains from the App Store.
To be honest, I put Ruprecht aside for a few weeks because I had more important things to do. I planned on opening him back up to write the review. But when I did return to review it, I was told Ruprecht had died.
Zombies don’t die. You have to kill them. They certainly don’t starve to death, they just wander around looking for more brains. They can wander around forever looking for brains because they are nothing more than animated lifeless creatures with nothing to do but wander around looking for brains.
I could have bought him back for two bones, but I didn’t want to spend two bones. I thought it would be much better for the review to start from scratch with a new zombie to refresh my memory as to why I got so bored. So I passed on Ruprecht and discovered that you don’t get a second chance. You can only have one zombie. Ever.
Here lies Ruprecht. He’s not coming back, nor will his friends.
They could have warned me that Ruprecht was the only Zombie I could ever spawn and that there would never be a new zombie. Instead of just asking, “Are you sure you don’t want to resurrect Ruprecht? This can’t be undone,” they could have said. “This is it. Let Reprecht die and you can’t have any more zombies. Ever. You will have pissed away all of the money you spent on Ruprecht.”
Give me a break. Zombies make more zombies. They don’t fade away.
I wondered how angry I would have felt if I had actually spent money in the app store for more stuff to feed and clothe Ruprecht and then he died on me anyway. I imagine I would have been pissed. As it was I simply get to tell my story in this review.
I thought about contacting Riptide games to see if they could reset My Pet Zombie, but then I thought, “why bother?” He wasn’t much fun while he was just animated and undead. But more than two thousand players disagreed with me, so maybe it’s just me.
Jenny Manytoes rates My Pet Zombie
Jenny Manytoes would bunch her tail at My Pet Zombie. She didn’t care for Ruprecht either. She thought he was whiny and demanding. So did I, for that matter.
And now he’s dead.