Kitty Katcher leaves kitty carnage

WARNING! This blog contains extremely graphic depictions and screen shots from the seemingly innocent children’s game Kitty Katchers. If you are easily offended do not read this blog, and especially protect your children. The blog may have its funny moments but the game descriptions and one of the screen shots do not.

The bottom line on Kitty Katcher is simple. It looks cute, but it makes Arnold Schwarzenegger movies look like Windham Hill meditation videos.

Klean Kity Katcher up for the Kids

Readers probably know that I have a special app page on my iPad just for Jenny Manytoes. That page has nothing but games and applications that involve cats—Cat Shots, Cat Piano, Mouse Catcher HD. Today I downloaded a game just for Jenny called Kitty Katchers.

Kitty Katchers looks cute. The icon features an endearing kitten. One look at the app, and all you can think is “cute kid’s game. I think I’ll download it for mine.”

Even the game icon suggests “cute game.”

You read the description in the App Store: “Save kittens….it’s your duty to stop them from plummeting to their inevitable doom. Watch as countless kittens fall from the rooftop and you’re their only hope.”

You download Kitty Katchers. The splash screen reassures you, bright colors and cute kittens tumbling through the sky.

The splash screen keeps you in your comfort zone.

Then you play, probably easy mode at first until you learn the ropes. Kittens fall, you catch them easily, they start to fall faster, you miss one, and….

Oh my God, did I just see that kitty’s blood and bones splatter across the sidewalk?

Surely not. Oh, wait, I missed another one. That’s definitely blood and little kitty bones.

WARNING! The next screenshot is extremely graphic and tasteless. I seriously debated not including it, but I felt it would be irresponsible journalism to withhold it from the reading public. I did reduce the size of the image considerably to reduce the impact of the kittens on your psyche.Please be advised to remove your children from the room before you scroll further.

Games don’t get more graphic than this.

How can this be? The developer’s other apps, apps like Smart Note and Algebra Solver, look wholesome and educational.

Sure, in easy mode you can save thousands of cats before you lose your nine kitty lives (9710 on my only go round). But then you try “insane mode” and the gore starts to pile up only seconds into the game.

Jenny Manytoes, who we adopted from Siamese Rescue climbed on my shoulder during this second round, saw the carnage, and she immediately called for the other cats to come see this horrible thing. Within seconds I was surrounded by my usual crew—Teddy Bear, Cocoa Puff, Zorro, Ari and Velvet the Calico—not to mention a dozen cats I didn’t even know we were fostering.

They all stared at the gore on the sidewalk and then stared accusingly at me. I couldn’t explain that I was just trying to do basic research for the blog.

Wisely, I shut the game down right then. It dawned on me that if the cats were this upset, Carol would shed her usually calm demeanor—the demeanor that until now she has shed only when trying to have a serious discussion with me—and demand that I trash the game instantly.

As a consequence, I am foregoing my usual review, and instead will be addressing today’s blog directly to the developers and to Apple, who approved this app. And believe me, this blog is nothing compared to what’s going to happen when every animal rights advocate finds this app and comes looking for your heads.

Christoper Thibault and Brendan Lee:

Are you out of you f_____g minds?

I mean, seriously, kitten blood and bones on the sidewalk?

Dudes, I taught high school aged boys and college freshmen.1 I understand the perverse joy of fart jokes and comments designed to send weaker stomachs to the restroom to lose their lunch.

I love John Waters. I took Carol to see Pink Flamingoes early in our relationship and she laughed the entire time, although she still won’t let me bring it in the house in DVD or Blu Ray.

I can watch movies where the heroes blast giant mutant animals into smithereens to save the world and their best girls.

I cheered for Hannibal Lecter when he ate Ray Liotta’s brains, delicately sliced and lightly sauteed, while Ray Liotta was still alive.

I sat through Twilight, for goodness sake.

But kitten blood and bones on the sidewalk? There is a line guys, and you crossed it.

And dudes, even if you aren’t certifiably psychotic,

Do you read the papers?

Do you have any idea what the animal rights groups do to people who even appear to advocate animal cruelty?

I sat on a grand jury, dudes, and even the NRA promoting, hunting advocate and firm believer in nuking Iran to the stone ages member of the grand jury voted to indict a guy who drop kicked a kitten over a porch rail. Twelve to nothing. And three-quarters of the grand jury voted for Sara Palin, a woman who shoots at wolves from helicopters.

Trust me, Carol is already emailing every iPad owner she knows and telling them about the violence in Kitty Katchers. Those people get scary when they promote No-Kill.

Apple Store screeners:

What the hell were you thinking?

You make people who develop web browsers issue warnings that users might accidentally stumble onto a pair of quadruple D breasts exposed to the sun in all their glory and you don’t even warn parents that their children might see kitty blood and bones?

Just look at that game icon. That icon suggests “extremely kid and kitten friendly” to any would be buyer. What’s going to happen when Betty Sue Flowers, six years old and pretty as a button, comes home from Sunday School, plays a minute or two of Kitty Katcher and sees all that gore?

She’s going to look at her own kitten Fluffy and think, “what if that happens to Fluffy?” Mom and dad will have to let her sleep with them for weeks. And when her big brother Ben, back from a year in Juvie, hears about it, plays the game and is inspired to play Kitty Katcher with real kittens, how are you going to feel then?

That’s all on you guys, because you were sleeping on the job.

You know that joke, “How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? One, and it isn’t funny?” Sure, we laugh at first, but then we realize, it really isn’t funny.

I don’t care what you do with the kittens that miss the box, Cristopher and Brendan. Let them land on their feet and walk away purring. Let little ghost kitties rise from their bodies before the bodies fade away. But clean that blood off the sidewalk.

Jenny Manytoes rates Kitty Katcher

Jenny Manytoes raises her tail, points her ears back and bares her claws. Guys, that isn’t even on the ratings meter.

1There isn’t that much difference. Those high school boys in dozens of movies modeled after the Porky’s franchise? They grew up to produce Porky’s and the dozens of movies that followed.back

The Jenny Manytoes Rating System

Jenny Manytoes, our polydactyl cat
  • When Jenny makes biscuits on a product she thinks she’s in heaven.
  • When Jenny purrs over a product she’s very happy.
  • When Jenny naps next to a product it’s okay with her.
  • When Jenny bunches her tail she can live with a product, but she has higher expectations.
  • When Jenny leaves it in the litter box….I don’t think I need to explain this one.

iPad Envy is created entirely using apps from my iPad
iPad Envy.


About Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T. Stephens disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle twenty years before he was born, creating a time travel paradox so confusing it remains unspoken between physicists and sci-fi writers to this day. Follow @stephens_pt
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