The Amazingly Annoying Cat Piano

Here’s the bottom line:

The Cat Piano

  • Is dirt cheap
  • Has ten different voices and a piano
  • You don’t need to know how to play a piano
  • Is really annoying.
  • I mean really, really annoying

But mainly I’m reviewing this to get Jenny Manytoes off my back about having to review apps that have no real use to cats. It’s almost as though she thinks this is her blog now.

I promised readers that I would complete my survey of available ereaders today by looking at several of the also rans. This got Jenny Manytoes in a snit. She was already bored with the whole thing by yesterday anyway and left the review process to Teddy Bear, our big lug of a tabby who seems to think helping me review means climbing over my iPad and sitting on top of it so that I’m forced to pet him instead of doing any work.

Or sitting on between me and the keyboard and stretching across everything.

Or his newest trick which is to circle behind me, climb over the top of my head and then flip over to tumble on his back into my arms, secure in the knowledge I will catch him.

I take this as his signal that he has no interest in, or even awareness of the fact that I’m actually blogging. After all, Teddy will never graduate from kitty Harvard, or even kitty Community College. I have long said the world’s dumbest cat is smarter than the world’s smartest dog. I’m sure this will upset readers who blindly love their dogs without any capacity for objectivity. Or who think, as Chutney our Neanderthal dog does, that outsmarting a cat means barking at the top of her voice until they run away.

This, dogs and dog lovers, is merely a demonstration of brute force; not intelligence.

But Teddy may be the exception to the rule. He reminds me of the men from the Julie Brown song I Love Them Big and Stupid. He’s adorable, he’s cuddly, he’s affectionate, he has more muscle mass than any two other male cats, and if he was human he would sit for an hour trying to answer the question, “Say, Teddy, what’s your name?”

Then he would ask for a hint. Then you would say, “Teddy Bear, what’s your name?”
And he would say, “Seriously. Any hint at all.”

So Jenny turned review duties over to Teddy knowing that sooner or later I would get the message. On top of that Carol finished proofreading yesterday’s iBooks blog and admitted she was getting bored too. “How many readers can one person possibly download?” She asked. She asked me just before she said, “Please tell me you aren’t paying for these apps to review them.”

I decided it was best not to answer that lest I risk becoming an excuse for Carol’s Siamese Rescue friends to intervene and drink my liquor, cheap though it may be (I learned my lesson the first time).

When Jenny realized I was perfectly fine letting Teddy Bear assume her reviewing duties she tried a more active passive/aggressive approach. Every time I sat down to type she would march to the fan and sing into the rotating blades at the top of her considerable voice.

If you want to know what Jenny’s voice sounds like, download the app I’m about to review, Cat Piano. Set the cat voice to “fleabag” and turn the volume all the way up. Then plug your iPod into your stereo and set your stereo volume all the way up. To 11 if you have it. Actually, 12 or 13 would be even better,

I caved and asked Jenny what it would take to get her back to reviewing (so long as she understood we would be doing one more ereader blog). Her demands were as follows:

  1. Set up a screen just for her on the iPad desktop
  2. Download apps exclusively about cats
  3. Download games with mice and birds
  4. Review one cat app before I review anything else
  5. More food
  6. Move “more food” to number 1
  7. Better yet, move “more food” to number 1 and keep it at the bottom of the list too.
  8. Even better, stick it in the middle of the list too.
  9. And throw in some kitty treats too.

  10. Maybe six or seven little bags of kitty treats
  11. And is there room for still more food? I don’t keep my calories around my waist and ass like you do.

I set up the home screen for her and this is what her iPad screen looks like:

Jenny’s iPad screen

She then decided to ask for a cat wallpaper as well, but I lied and said I don’t know how to do that. This is called negotiation. The next time she’s really mad, I’ll change the wallpaper and hopefully that will distract her from what she’s really mad about.

What follows is the review I promised Jenny, a review of the app Cat Piano.

If you play this around cats, duck

It can’t hurt to buy Cat Piano because the lite version is free. The full version is only a dollar. Once you open the app you see a full octave + 1 keyboard. This means you can play from C4, or middle C, to C5# (if you don’t know anything about music, this feature, if I can call it that, won’t really matter to you).

When I say C4 to C5#, I don’t mean the Cat Piano will play any key you really recognize. This is because the keyboard plays cat sounds. Surprisingly realistic (for digital) cat sounds. The keyboard will fool most cats, if not a trained cat rescue ear. Just play a few notes at random and half the cats in your house will be next to you making sure you’re safe.

Cat Piano gives you a full octave +1.5

The others will be ducking out of the way lest they get dragged into the ruckus. These would not be your alpha, or even beta (or probably even delta or gamma) cats. You can also change the type of cat call you play. On the lite version you get three sounds, on the paid version you get more. Plus a real piano sound.

Cat Piano also has a real grand piano sound
for no reason I can fathom

What you can do with a one octave +1.5 key piano is beyond me, but the developers provide one anyway.

Why would you want the Cat Piano?

It’s cheap

Free or one dollar for the full featured Concerto version. You can’t beat that. Is the dollar upgrade worth it? Yes, if you want….

More cat sounds

The full version with ten distinctly different cat sounds (and the piano). Sounds include:

  • Angelic Cat
  • Asthmatic Cat
  • Furball and Furious Cats

You can turn the note names on

That’s right. If you slept through music theory class, you have the option of labeling the keys. But only the white keys. Cat Piano won’t tell you the names of the sharp and flat keys.

You don’t need to know how to play

If you want to treat this as a musical instrument, I suppose you can peck out On Top of Old Smokey or Ave Maria or even a one octave rendition of Ode to Joy but they will all lose something in the translation. This isn’t an app to make music, it’s an app designed to enjoy while you annoy cats and any friends who lack a sense of humor. And in that respect, Cat Piano is….

Really annoying

This is a feature for couples. If you have a fight with your loved one, and you lose, you can sit on the couch and play the Cat Piano over and over again. But they can’t accuse you of trying to annoy them because you’re just playing with your iPad for goodness sake.

Don’t try this too often because your loved one can download the dog piano to get even.

Jenny rates the Cat Piano

Jenny Manytoes loves the Cat Piano. She would love it even more if she could press the keys. But for now, she really gets a kick out of watching me drive the other cats totally bats while she keeps a perfectly cool demeanor. She definitely makes biscuits on the Cat Piano, which just goes to show there’s no accounting for taste. If she could find a pair of cat sunglasses and a kitty fedora she would feel like she died and woke up rolling in fields of catnip.

The Jenny Manytoes Rating System

Jenny Manytoes, our polydactyl cat
  • When Jenny makes biscuits on a product she thinks she’s in heaven.
  • When Jenny purrs over a product she’s very happy.
  • When Jenny naps next to a product it’s okay with her.
  • When Jenny bunches her tail she can live with a product, but she has higher expectations.
  • When Jenny leaves it in the litter box….I don’t think I need to explain this one.

Siamese Rescue

iPad Envy is created entirely using apps from my iPad
iPad Envy.


About Phillip T Stephens

Phillip T. Stephens disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle twenty years before he was born, creating a time travel paradox so confusing it remains unspoken between physicists and sci-fi writers to this day. Follow @stephens_pt
This entry was posted in Entertainment, Free, Time Wasters and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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